i was reading Rin's journal, where she posted up this msn convo with her bf who wanted to break up with her. and i suddenly remembered reading this article last time which said that guys, when they really love someone, they love more deeply than a girl ever can.

im not sure what it has to do with what is going on btwn Rin and her bf... but it mcm make me think like that.

... and u know what. i always thought that the most possible (or is the word plausible?) reason for 2 people to break up is if there's a 3rd person in the relationship. but for Rin and her bf, there wasn't any 3rd person - it was just the bf feeling that she's not the right one for him due to some gut feelings perhaps.. which is worryingly funky. i mean, can u seriously change your mind abt someone being the one or not the one? im not really expressing what i want to say really clearly here - im trying the best i can coz there's 8 mins to going home and i want to type this out before i come back tmrw and forget what i want to say.

.... but seriously, question above? i can so get upset thinking that M is not going to be the one for me. I know what lies ahead has been decided by Allah swt for my own good, but i seriously hope that whatever it is that has been planned for me, he's included in the plans. seriously. this is funky stuff. i cant think anymore what to say altho there's a million things in my head.

but im not going to be all worrified and all. im enjoying whatever time im spending with M right now and i can only pray for the best. so yeah yeah... Insya'Allah all will be good.

i find it funky that you can start out having a boring day and thinking that the boredom will last a whole day - but then thru someone special, it gets so interesting you just wish that day doesn't end.

spent yesterday with M, at bugis. watched twisted - damns boring show. the beginning was interesting, but then it got very repetitive, and i had no idea what was going on after that. the lead actress - ashley judd? (she looked old in the movie, but i loved the hair, hehe)- got sloshed every night, and then the next morning someone gets murdered. that happened a few times, and then she thought it was her partner but it wasn't. its the kind of movie where you know they are trying too hard to make it non-cliche and have a twist at the end but this movie failed in that dept man. damns boring - i could have so fell asleep ;)

but yesterday was a perfect 10 for me. i enjoyed the outing so muches.. you can make it repetitive like hell and i will not get bored.. hehe.

im so in loves with my b sometimes i feel i could burst coz the happiness can't be contained in my small body. hahaha.. i can almost hear someone puking coz its too jiwang for their soul *laughs madly now*

anyhoos. today im back at tg pagar and tmrw night b will be back at tekongs.

im having an ashley judd/twisted moment right now - i cant remember if i paid my hp bill already?

Saturday's going out with M was very unexpectedly fun, at least for me. I'm not sure if M had as much fun as I did, haha... but then, as they say, one person having fun is better than no one at all kan. actually kita just watched people line-dancing at Plaza Sing, of all things to do eh, haha. Wanted to watch movies, but there wasn't any that were good or the ones that we wanted to watch, semua dah sold out. So M got this bright idea of watching people line-dance at that open space outside PS.

And fun it was, coz it was damns funky seeing these old people, who you would think would have more important things in life to do, dancing like as if their lives depend on it! funkiness to the max ah. never knew it could be more fun than watching a movie tau. :)

and today - went Desaru. *trying hard to forget morning's drama-mama with M* will post up again tmrw or something if i semangat to type out long-long abt today.

just got my hp bill - $99.50. tsk.

....

I've said this before but I guess I'll repeat it again in this post. This week has been funky for me in terms of my relationship with b..

He's so full of shocking surprises.. so much so that I do not know what other info he's going to be unleashing soon to me. I get to know things abt him, and at the same time, about myself too, and I don't quite know how to react to it sometimes. It's like, he's making me see things in a totally different way from the usual way i see things, if that makes any sense. I know it sounds so dramafied, but I seriously feel that way.. I'm way sheltered, I know that since long time ago. But I've never thought of things the way b sees it, and im funkified. Big time I tell u.

... and weirdly enough, im falling for it.. more and more as each day goes by. :)

" The greatest challenge in our life is to find someone who knows your flaws and differences and yet still willingly embraces you with so much love". - got this in a fwd email.

this week passed by so fast eh.. its been one tumultous week in terms of emo stability. i felt like i experienced every feeling there is to feel all in this week, leaving me so exhausted now.

i found out that being in a relationship, taking care of the other person's feelings, is hard work. sometimes i feel like i try so hard but im still not good at it. bah.

i know those who read the 2 posts on tuesday must be wondering what's up coz i dont think it sounds like my usual normal happy posts? its just my own self questioning the way i've been. or perhaps its the usual excuse of pms. hahah. im sorry if i made you worried. all is good now..

im beginning to take note of small things and be thankful for them, so good for me :)

i miss bt bintang hainanese chicken rice.
i miss lazing around at home reading or watching nemo.
i miss watching love actually, come to that.
i miss kl.

i know in my last post i sounded really upset and all that - but im much more ok now than i was on tues evening even. you know how sometimes life's all good, so you don't really expect something negative in the near future? so when that negativity comes, it really hits you bad... though if you're already having a bad time, that negativity will actually be a small thing agaknya. perhaps ah.

nowadays i feel as if things are very overwhelming like that. a small thing can make me so overwhelming happy or overwhelmingly sad or overwhelmingly paranoid or overwhelmingly bingited or overwhelmingly... u get the idea? i like how when u pronounce a word too many times, you tend to trip over them and then u sound stupid. haha.

... its like, im seeing everything not really thru my own eyes - coz if i see all this thru my own eyes, i dont think i would see them this way. faham tak? i dont really know how to articulate it, its just that im beginning to notice things i've never noticed before and all that.. not sure if this is good though.

"somewhere only we know" - i like this song. dunno who the singer.

car dent costs $200 to repair. still checking with proton if they can do it for a cheaper price. im very reluctant to part with the $200.. sigh.. i dont think i would really mind having that dent there til the next time i have more cash.. haha.

tmrw im having chilli crab for dinner at ah beng's! *happiness* and sunday going to desaru.. or perhaps its just to kota tinggi to makan? im not sure.. i think my dad and liza wants to go to the beach. i cant wait to spend time with my fam, its been so long and i know aisya feels somewhat neglected coz i haven't been the wonderful sis that i always am to her *prasan - hehee* im sorry sweets, i promise sunday i'll devote my whole entire day to you ;)

i feel for that mee goreng at kota tinggi also.. im so going to put on 20 times the weight that i lost tau.

i want b to come with us on sunday, but he has soccer on that day and i know he would rather play soccer than come with, so im not going to say anything abt desaru anymore to him... its like, i want him to come, but at the same time i dont want him to coz i would rather he play soccer. sometimes i dont make sense to myself... does that make any sense? hahaa.. madness.

i'll let him make the decision la.

i feel so mellow today.. due to unknown reasons.

i dont mean to sound riyaa' (sp?) here, but i've been wanting to say this here so many times - prayers really do wonders, masha'Allah :) i feel so much better and lighter after praying.. Alhamdulillah, im able to see things much clearer. something that even sitting at my favourite thinking place at raffles place wasn't able to do, hehe.

still on the topic of what M said smlm. its all in the past and there's enough regret and remorse on his part. and altho he has given me the choice, i realised i don't want to be without him... not that i need him, coz i know i can survive very well on my own.. but its more of a, i want to be with him. it might be too early to say this, but i feel that we're good together, its like he lights up my life so much :)

i still think he's a very wonderful person, but with imperfections. and i got, and want, to accept everything that he is.

i never thought of him as anything less than perfect before this, and therefore i expected perfection. but he's got faults too, just like i do, but i just wasn't ready yet to know what they were, i guess? - and im getting to know them bit by bit now.. and i think after what he said yesterday, there can't be any bigger fault than yesterday? hahaa..

i feel better, so Alhamdulillah for that.

isn't it always this way - that when you're ultra busy, you have so many things to say on your journal?

im still having that clogged up nose.

... and im feeling very negative. due to something that M said last night, i've been questioning myself so much.. am i too sheltered? am i too narrow-minded? am i the kind of person who's unable to just let go of things not within my control? i hate that im doing this to myself, coz self-doubt makes me feel so unworthy of so many things. if that makes any sense.

i hate empty promises... that has always been the no.1 way of making me pissed off. say, yesterday you told me you want to pick me up from work, but today you somehow decided you're lazy to come down all the way or something. pissssss me off no end ok. you might not want to try it again, but im scared you will. doesn't that mean that you're not making the effort? why am i putting in so much effort then by taking leave and all, knowing i got to rush thru my work on thursday, and even offering to do what i promised to do tmrw?

im angry and hurt and upset, and due to what u said yesterday, and i know i have no right to feel this way, but i feel somewhat betrayed? which doesn't really make sense if u think abt it. and i hate feeling this way.

i feel like an overloaded plug socket right now - u add in one more plug and confirm i'll just burst out in flames or something. haha.

i thought you were perfect, and you still are to me actually.. perhaps im not ready to face your imperfections just yet. i was so thankful i met you, i felt so blessed, and somehow, even after what i know now, i still am thankful. it doesn't make sense to me...

if you had a choice, would you erase everything from memory and start all over again? and everything, i mean all the good and bad memories, therefore leaving you as a new person, fresh to try out everything again.. but you might make the same mistakes again, coz u didn't know u did them before.

think about it.

i have thought abt it, and you know what, i would do that. i would choose to erase everything from memory, and start anew. right back to pri 6 perhaps ;)

or perhaps that's only because i feel really shitty right now. this betrayed feeling - not as bad as the one from isln last time, but enough to make me cry. i feel like any minute now im going to explode, or perhaps implode. haha.

i know i said i would forget you told me that, but its hard.

i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate feeling this way. that's 11 times.

ok things are good again. heheehe... he got online on msn, and said that he was really hurt by what i said but he's going to forget that it happened, and apologised for reacting the way he did. he's forgiven, hehe :) and he asked me out tonight so yeah yeah all's good and im happys. i really am glad things are good again tau, as kental as it sounds, coz i was really worrified and upsetted this morning and i dont like feeling that way at all but now im good ala blaque ivory.

btw, blocked nose is still blocked. or rather, clogged up. annoying ah. i hope tonight i wont be sick in front of him or something.. haha...

im driving tonight... and i know mama said she wants to send the car for repair (for that dented front) tonight jugak but im not prepared to part with my cash just yet for the repairworks... so i hope she wont get too annoyed with me wanting to use the car tonight.

happys happys happys.

he called *happys* but he still sounded very gruff and somewhat pissed off.. asked me where i was at, if i've eaten, what i ate. then he said that's all, bye. so i said "u call just to tanya what i ate?" and he said ya. so i said ok lor, bye. and we hung up. convo lasted 1 min 34 seconds exactly.

... so is he still pissed off? *puzzled*

so my b is at home, but he's pissed off with me.

... so much for having a fun convo yesterday, which we did at the beginning.. tapi over a small cheeky question/statement, now he's bingited with me la. perhaps its more than just pure bingitation. perhaps he's really angry with me. but i didn't mean it the way it sounded tau, and i didn't know i can't joke abt it with him. and b i didn't mean it in a malicious, mean way or anything.

it's really annoying me right now, the fact that he's upset. i cdn't sleep last night.... ok, actually i did, but i tersadar at 2 plus all the way til 5.. add to that, my clogged up nose and my itchy throat. blah. i very badly want to sms him good morning but im scared he's still pissed off and i don't want to make him more pissed off, so right now im pissed off coz i don't know what to do. im sorry im sorry im sorry, i dont know what else to say to make him know that i really am friggin sorry la.

by afternoon if he doesn't sms, then we know for sure ok baby.

my b passed his ippt :) sungguh proud of him tau, and Alhamdulillah coz i prayed a lot for him to pass, and he got silver at that.. so yeah my prayers are answered Alhamdulillah :) im just hoping he gets to come home asap, coz there's those 3 armed robbers still stuck somewhere in that thick jungle of tekong and i would rather he be in s'pore safely rather than there.

my mom's coming to pick me up.. we going for lunch at that nasi padang place near masjid sultan. i asked my mom to go somewhere with lemon chicken.. but she tak nak. tsk. i had my mukmin mee goreng yesterday, plus the polar curry puff, on top of the rice + ayam sambal that my mom cooked. have got no idea why im eating a lot (and yes i regained that weight i lost. so much for motivating kak ana to diet.)

i hope my b gets to come home tonight so i get to fetch him at pasir ris..

im really happy that he passed his ippt. 2 weeks he's going to be free, and i took leave already for next wednesday and next next monday.. and next sunday insya'Allah going to desaru with my family and my b is coming too (tentatively.. hopefully) so yeah yeah im haaaaaapppy.

went to NTUC bedok smlm with aisya and liza.. with the car. all the way to bedok pasal aisya wanted to cut her hair. so anyways, i spent $50 at NTUC. craziness ok.. coz it's all mainly toilet stuff. dettol shower foam me and liza, shokubutsu for mama, shampoo, facial wash, dettol all-purpose cleaner, ambi pur, tissue paper packets and boxes of it. somehow all these small stuff added up to $50! *in shock*

... which means i got only $20 left in my posb card... and i was telling M smlm.. and he offered to let me use his atm card til i get my pay.. sweetness kan! now do u see why im so in love with this guy? hehe..

and tonight i got to go spotlight at tampines tu, to alter my skirt.. and aisya wants to do dunno what to her hp also at TM.. im so friggin tired actually, i just want to go home and sleep but kesian aisya. thought of taking leave sometime this week to ajak liza keluar since its school hols tapi i got work to do, plus i intend to take leave either next week or next 2 weeks for a day or two (if M dapat keluar la) so tak kan nak take this week and next week sekali kan.

i cant wait til saturday to see my b again. i read this in streats tadi.. that when u decide already who you want to spend the rest of your life with, then you can't wait for the rest of your life to start already.

so true... :)

i miss him so much.

tonight im going shopping... at ntuc. hehe.. its been a long time since i bought stuff for home, and today i shall. even though my bank acct is fast depleting, faster than the ozone layer. need to go bank, check how much left inside.

ok, each time my screen gets that thingy, u know when you put your hp too near the monitor, and then when u get sms or something, your whole screen goes haywire? i got that 2 times today, tapi i didn't receive an sms or anything.. annoying ah. coz i keep thinking i got an sms from M or something. sekali tak... :(

usually mondays feel worst than fridays.. in relation to M. as in, kalau fridays, walaupon dah lama tak jumpa dia, but the feeling of missing him is lesser than on mondays somehow. does that make sense? i dunno.. i can't wait to buy dettol and give the toilet a good scrubbing later. that must be the best indication that i have no life - i get my joys from scrubbing toilets. sigh.

cant wait for saturday. not working then, and i get to see M! (insya'Allah :) sooo looking forward to it.

some idiot somewhere in singapore doesn't know how to drive properly and sort of rammed into my car. *sigh* there's now scratches and a dent which is very noticable at the right front side of my car. *sobs* Seriously upsetting. It's either a white or silver car that is the culprit... when u stand at the front of my car, you can really see the dent at the right side... thorougly heart-wrenchingly sad tau... i was on the verge of tears yesterday when i was looking at it, but M was there and i didn't want to cry in front of him over my car.. haha.. but i was sad. terribly horribly sad.

My mom called me when i was happily at swensens that time dgn M, tengah deciding what to order... then my mom was like, worried voice like that, saying that something bad happened and all. ingatkan apa tau... then she say what happen to the car. terus weak seh, my legs macam wobbly gitu, had to purse my lips and all nak dekat nangis... hahaa... but me being the nice person that i am, put it at the back of my mind, so that i could still have a fun evening with my b...

then masa balik, went to the carpark with him... *sigh* very sad lah. i dunno what to say already, its a very sad thing to happen. hehehe.. tragic eh. but nasib baik Alhamdulillah at least no one was hurt lah... apparently my mom didn't even realise until she park at home. my dad said it'll cost about $100++ to betulkan the dent and all.. habis lah duit aku kat uob tu.

idiot ah that guy who langgar. tak tahu drive, duduk rumah ajer lah, nak aksyen jalan2 naik kereta.
*sigh*

anyhoo. M got my prezzie already, and it fits nicely and smlm we went out, dia dah pakai.. haha.. it looks so nice on his feet tau :) his mom put the prezzie in his room and he called his mom (coz when dia balik, his mom wasn't home) asked from who and all.. and his mom still tak bilang.. best ah mak dia eh.. hehee.. abis tu he opened and called me. *smiles*

... and last night went out with M was fun. we went to tm first to buy something for the niece... bought Guess baby punyer baju...soooo cute tau!! there was this hotpants for 6 mths old babies, i said to M mungkin masa mariah carey kecik2 dia pakai tu. heheh... cute sungguh seh. we bought for her (the niece, not mariah carey.. haha) a skirt which is very minute and a tshirt. and bought for the bro (as in the nephew - the niece punyer abang who is 3 years old) a guess shirt... pon cute.. but i love the girls clothes more ah.

then went to the bro's house.. his parents were there and so were his sisters.. i was so stupid tau, i didn't know if i should salam the dad... somemore, he was sitting with his friends, there were 3 pakciks there altogether.. so M was introducing us, so i salam him, then i never even look at the other pakciks, dunno who they are also, altho M salam them.. hahaha... then masuk, salam everyone inside and then his mom asked to sit with her... hehe... so i sat with her and the eldest sis. then more and more sisters came and M had to kenalkan me, very malu seh. sat around for abt 1 hour plus... then took 65 to town... went to taka.... then to swensens... then took train home... very fun. :)

today my dad's birthday... so HAPPY BIRTHDAY BAPAK!! Yeah yeah i call my beloved dad Bapak. M call his Abah.. cute eh. mcm old-skool like that. heheh...

my mom ajak M sekali pergi Adang today, to makan... lunch time. but his eldest bro move house today, and he's helping...

needless to say, i got upset... coz i thought, if i can make the effort to go yesterday to meet all his family members, why can't he just sortof excuse himself from his bro's thing right. i dunno ah, im disappointed he's not coming with.

*sigh*


Communication and Conflict
(taken from MSN)

Without a foundation of compatibility and understanding, even the most routine conflicts — about housekeeping or budgeting, for instance — can blow up into angry attacks or result in cold shoulders.

Harrington offers these tips for using conflict for good, not evil:

DO: Create physical and emotional safety. Each of you should feel free to express yourself without fear of punishment.

DON'T: Punish or berate. Even if you feel attacked, don't get angry or the issue will never be resolved. Never use below-the-belt comments.

DO: Talk about it. Even the most heated issues can be discussed coolly and calmly. But you might have to practice saying "When you do this, I feel this way" instead of "You did this" or "You make me feel..."

DON'T: Bring up the past. It's over; let it go. Stay focused on the present, on how you feel now, not what s/he did then.

DO: Help your mate to open up. Be respectful, really listen and acknowledge their position.

DON'T: Make it all about you. Don't interrupt or try to present counter arguments. And don't change the subject or bring up another slight.

DO: Foster intimacy through communication. Talking about your feelings and empathizing with your partner's increases your knowledge of each other — and that brings you closer

DON'T: Use information to build walls. Even if the truth hurts, don't disconnect the lines of communication or the situation will get worse.

DO: Practice gratitude. Make a list of what you appreciate about your mate — and let them know what you appreciate. Thank them on the spot, whenever possible.

DON'T: Keep a mental checklist of your partner's flaws or hot button issues. It's too tempting to use them as ammunition when you feel the pressure.

These techniques don't come easy for everyone, but can be mastered with practice. "I wasn't a good communicator in my first marriage," admits Shari, 43, of Sandusky, Ohio. "I was all 'don'ts.' After my divorce, I took some classes to deal with my anger and learned to be a more effective communicator."

The result? "I saw myself getting better with each man I dated. By the time I got into a serious relationship, I had learned to be more compassionate and more effective, too. It's made a huge difference in my personal life. Now, instead of feeling like differences of opinion are the death knell of a relationship, I see them as an opportunity to learn my partner — and myself — as we work them through."

watched AMI - Uncut, Uncensored and Untalented smlm... it's so damns funny seh.. i was laughing and laughing like mad when they showed the auditions tu, sampai M got pissed off with me coz I couldn't even talk.. and he wanted to hang up.. and for once i hung up with him so early, because i wanted to watch that. altho i taped ah.. tapi kelakar ah.. when I was talking to M, i wasn't even watching that much, i was listening ajer dah laughed like that.

so anyways. M balik today at 10.30.. and then i hope to finish early today so i can see him early! dont think that it'll be a prob with 2 sweet colleagues helping me.. so hopefully yeah.. by 2 plus dah boleh jumpa? Insya'Allah :) He said he's going home straight, so i guess by 11 plus he'll be home.. and then he'll see his prezzie... im paranoidly worried!! sekali dia tak suka mcm mana?!

anyhoo. we going to meet at tampines (wanted to ask him to meet me at tg pagar... tapi kesian kan dia baru balik tekong. so i didn't ask) and then going to TM and then to his sis' house.. im scared with a capital V.E.R.Y. seh.. i mean, i know i met the bros and the sis before, and his mom too.. but this time round, his dad is going to be there. his 4 other sisters and 1 other brother whom i haven't met before is going to be there too. and his nieces and nephews. ( i have this stupid habit of saying niece and nieces. haha) so yeah im scared. scared in an excited way.. does that make sense?

not bringing the car out today.. my mom's going to that beauty and the beast show with liza... so i let her bring the car instead.. altho its only at expo tau, naik bas 3 bus stop ajer... haha... tapi nvm ah, im not going far also.. unless M ajak go Queensway... but i want to watch mystic river at tm at 6.10.. so we see how how. i just hope we aren't staying at the sis' house til night...

i'll post up more later or tmrw.

hear this u all.. i lost weight. *hears applause all around* hehe.. ok la, tak banyak sangat, 1 kg ajer.. thanks to no eating during lunch (ok actually, i ate. tapi no heavy meals la.. just pao or yoghurts or whatever. this whole week i didnt eat heavy meal for lunch) im soo happys. if i continue this, one day in the near future, i'll be back to my 47!! and who knows, maybe even 45!! happynyer aku!! altho i know i haven't reached there yet... but the possibility of it makes me happys.. haha...

and another good news. Tmrw M coming back!! Happiness you :) he just sms me this morning saying he's coming back tmrw.. so yeah yeah im happy. which also means we are going to the bro's house.. which also means i'll be meeting the rest of his siblings.. *nervousness starting again* but yeah its ok, at least he's coming out still also.

i sent the prezzie yesterday to his house. yeah yeah to his house, jgn main-main. actually found my guts and then called his mom when i was fetching aisya and seri from tuition at pasir ris. drove seri home, then went over to his house. i naik atas with Aisya. then his mom and sis was home, and asked me to masuk and all.. and i said i just got back from work, so penat and all.. and asked his mom not to tell him when/if he calls. i just hope his mom put it on his bed or something... coz kalau his mom just put in his room on the floor or someting, and he's blur or blind and tak nampak, then the surprise element is gone kan. or if his mom pass it to him, sekali dia ingat its from his mom and thank his mom instead..? funky kan.

so anyhoos. he's coming back tmrw, and i hope his mom dah letak on his bed or somewhere prominent where he'll see once he masuk that room. i wrapped it up nicely.. hehe.. tks to adv from kak ana.. I also put a short letter (or rather, a note but its a bit longer than a note. so its a short letter/long note) No cards ah.. altho i found this really cutesy humourous but loveydovey card but its exp and i dont want to waste unnecessarily, so i just wrote him a short note inside filled with heart-felt messages.. hahaha...

... nasib baik i didn't buy him the hugo boss in motion tau. coz i asked him yesterday ex dia bagi dia apa dulu when they together (not that it matters ah.. but entah kenapa i have this stupid urge to know sometimes) and he said perfume. that A--la also gave perfume. mcm common eh perfume, so nasib baik tak belikan. i hope he loves the shoes though.. *bites lip - nervous* i did write inside the note that if he wants to change the design, i wont be kecik hati, coz i know he got no sense of style. haha.. aiyah takper ah. tak kisah la, dah bagi pon. suka tak suka ah.

i haven't said this to anyone i think, other than my mom. F-- asked me out for dinner again on wednesday. or was it tuesday? i think wednesday. he sms me, "Miss... u have yet to redeem your free meal." so i replied, said "I know. pasal masih kenyang..." and he didnt reply. was that like, a mean reply? i feel bad but i dont want to take up the offer also, pasal nanti M get jealous or whatever.. not only that ah, i myself tak nak pergi. nothing to do with F of course. alah, u know what i mean kan. Mcm tak sweet ah. i feel sort of bad though. but i wd rather not go and be happy with my babyboy.. haha.. who im missing a lot now... hehe...

went to citylink l'occitane tadi with kak su. tried the scents and all.. sungguh tak sedap the smells eh.. very strong with smelly powder like that as the base smell. tak boleh tahan. their packages are nice though.. i like.

the problem with dieting (or trying to diet) is that you get stupid cravings eh. right now i feel for onion rings, fish shop squid rings, i feel for fish and chips at swensens. i feel for lemon chicken (da lama tak makan lemon chicken tau)

ok now seriously pikiran abt lemon chicken already. its like i can see the thick lemon sauce in front of me.. sedapnyeeeer. shall have it this saturday if M comes out.

he was telling me that there's 3 things that can happen -
(1) tak keluar at all.
(2) keluar on sat 11am.
(3) keluar on friday night!

i hope its on friday!! mesti best kalau friday! i dont know why best ah.. since sat pon im working.. but mesti best eh.. hehee.. Insya'Allah he come out tmrw lah...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY my dearest M!!

ok eh, smlm sms dia more jiwang of course, haha.. tapi since this is a public blog, kita control our emotions ok.. haha.. plus its not as if he will ever read this blog.. haha...

smlm i set alarm at 1am, to wake up to sms him.. coz i slept at 11pm, and i know he always on his hp in the morning at abt 7am.. so since tak boleh call him, so sms pon jadi la. and he replied at 7plus this morning, asking how come i was awake at 1 plus.. and thanks for the sms.. and many more.. :)

and last night had the most wonderfullest convo with him. just have to post this up, coz kalau in the future i re-read this post, it'll make my day over and over again.. haha.. jiwang pon jiwang. tak kisah sangat.. u all nak puke pon puke lah. hehehe...

i dunno how come we got around to talking abt what we were talking abt.. then he said, dulu masa we went to work together, the highlight of his day would be in the morning when he sees me, and he would just feel so happy and smiley and like, he's motivated to be the best he can ever be. something to that effect ah, the sweetness of it all.. hehe... i felt so happified and goojified and love personified.. hehehe.. seriously sweet with a capital S.W.E.E.T. hehehe..

u all may not say negative comments at all... i might be naive, too much in love, whatever. im just going to let the sweetness of that comment overwhelm me for the rest of today.. rest of my life perhaps. seriously happys now. should bottle up this feeling and take a whiff of it from time to time.

i love this line in nelly furtado's song. "and i see u standing there.. and i'm all i'll ever be. but all i can do is try"

anyhoo.. speaking of sleeping at 11. i hope that pen salesman in AMI dapat masuk the top 12 or whatever. he can't sing or dance, but he's cute! not as cute as M of course.. *hehe*.. but cute nonetheless.

am thinking i want to do a' levels again ah. yes i hear you all laughing like mad or terkejut with yr mouth open.. haha.. im motivated by my distinction for malay orals.. hehee.. if i can get distiction with my bad malay, apa lagi if i really try hard kan? hahaha.. probably still flunk the whole exams ah.. so perhaps its not a good idea ah. i want to upgrade myself ah, i know i always tell people i've had enough of studying but sometimes u get this urge to just aksyen pandai and belajar, u know what i mean? i remember dulu kat tkg, i actually liked the weekly tests we had. i mean, for the subjects i like ah.. maths and english mostly. sometimes history if i like the chapter. but i love e maths tests dulu.. esp coz mr lim was so cute also.. haha.. but seriously i like maths dulu. hated it during pri sch (pri sch? *teringat M lagi*.. heheh) but sec sch maths in sec 3 and 4 was fun. loved PE when we did that trampoline thing. hiding in the toilets during 2.4.. haha.. do u all know my civics & moral teacher got caught by the law for taking cash from the sch or something.. padan muka dia. dulu she once caught me cabut-ing her class, and then sent us to the VP and all.. so it's like retribution for her.. *evil laugh*

eh. finally now can watch R(A) movies dgn my b. Irreversible? all those ahpek-cheekopek movies at geylang? we can go! hahaha.. altho i dont think im going to watch Irreversible. read the reviews on the net smlm.. i dont think i can tahan the movie ah... not even with my b beside me. apa lagi dgn farah and maria... i'll be hiding under the seat seh. too gory, even bila baca ajer i got freaked out already. so we got to choose another r(a) movie ok maria.

feels good to be 21 suddenly.

went to work with pag this morning.

mood today: happys with a capital V. hope the mood lasts one whole day :)

i actually wanted to post up quite a lot today tau, tapi mcm malas to type them out like that. just had marigold non fat with calcium & fibre peach mango yoghurt to fill up my stomach... its non fat, therefore i cant get fat right?

rule 1 to always remember. everytime u want to say something to your loved one, but you hold it back and not say it to them, you are actually killing off part of the relationship. must remember ok people.

asked M what to buy for the new niece. (new knees? hehe) he said sembarang, anything also can. i was thinking that baby perfume from crabtree & evelyn that pag bought for syaza dulu.. baju is like so normal kan? tapi babies semua ada this nice baby smell that shdn't be ruined by perfume.. so tak tahu la. im so overspending this month.. tapi takper ah, less money means i would spend less on food. coz i realised i tend to spend on BK for lunch when i feel rich.. hahaha.. which is very fattening.

tonight going to serangoon gardens to makan with family. last time pergi sana was with my b and aisyah tau.. so nanti malam mcm nak feeling ah.. hehehee.. hari tu on saturday keluar, so cute tau, M did that nose thing 2 times, haha.. *happys teringat the memories again* I read somewhere that when u miss someone, the memories is actually your lifeline of some sort. coz it helps u through til the next time u see him. romantic eh :) i miss him la.

ignore the jiwangness of this post ok.
im suffering from lack of protein, the rain, missing M too much.

i bought a nokia batt for him yesterday at mustafa, to bring to tekong. he's using his friend's xtra batt sekarang.. so all he has to do is come back on sat to take it. i know its not up to him to decide if he gets to come out or not.. but i hope he does. i hope he likes the nikes i got him. i hope he loooves them. i hope he more than loooves it. i hope he enjoys them. wears them all the time or something.. haha..

i miss my b. 3 more days to saturday. Insya'Allah dia dapat keluar la. kalau tak, 11 more days.

cutes eh, 311. coincidental that its 3 11.

hehehe.. madness thinking coz of overwhelming feeling of missingness.

so much for me not wanting to buy M the nikes... coz in the end i bought for him that. went to queensway with bijal and kak ana last night, wondered and pondered if it is really the best prezzie i could get for him.. if it is better than the toiletries set. pikir punyer pikir... until my mother called when i was abt to go back at 6.10. asked if im going to queensway.. i said no la, i think i just buy the hugo sudah. she said for what.. buy him the shoes. its something that he wants afterall.. and she said that guys prefer presents that they want rather than something fancy which they tak nak. and she said she'll buy the perfume for him *laughs* and teringat also kak ana saying that he can use the shoe money for savings. and farah saying that what if he dont like the scent of hugo.

so in the end beli kasut... its actually quite pretty to me.. compared to the others that he liked. even the high cuts were nice, tapi i dont like high cut shoes, so i bought the low cuts. premium leather u, jgn main2... whatever premium leather means.. haha..

if he doesn't like, he can change la.

i might just add in the hugo boss if i have extra cash... might only la.

i hope he's coming out this saturday. yesterday he called when i was on the way home, so i had to park at tampines first, talked to him first, takut dia kena letak at 10.30 sharp. in the end talked til abt 10.50pm (and apologies to all those who worried where i was *grins*) he mentioned that his in-charge told them they might not come out this saturday.. i hope he does. if he doesnt come out this saturday, the next time i see him will be on the 20th. lama kan. *muka boring* but im not working on the 20th, so that means i can fetch him! but even if dia keluar this saturday also, next sat pon dia keluar apa.. so what am i thinking nie. and anyways wa terlupa seh kereta tu weekend car.. mana boleh keluar on saturday mornings... hahaha..

but anyhoo.. this is all for this morning. perhaps more later. esp my thoughts on what bijal & kak ana said.. esp the housing part. very funkily interesting.. to me at least. but later. sekarang mcm ngantuk nak type panjang2.

i hope he calls later in the afternoon.

i decided to get M boss in motion by hugo boss.. the toiletries set. cologne, body spray, some other small bottle and this toiletries bag which i like a lot.. haha.. suka tak suka ah, tak kisah la. i wanted to get shoes at first kan.. but smlm i asked him if it's nice, he said it is, but he thinks there will be other nicer ones at other places. so tak jadi kasut la. lagipon kasut he'll wear only on weekends.. toiletries everyday kan?

smlm asked him what he wants for his bday. dia kata more care and love from me. i was kinda... erm... surprised. i asked why, sekarang not enough? he said the love's enough.. but he said sometimes he thinks i dont care much abt him. that was saddening to hear. but im not going to delve deeper into that now.. feeling kinda malas to think deep. i need a dose of Morrie now.

my reasons for getting him hugo instead of shoes. perfume he's using now (ck crave) was given by that A--la girl dulu. so i dont want him to smell of a perfume that some other girl gave. *madness thinking* that is my simple reason. plus kan, if toiletries dia boleh pakai at tekong also kan.. kalau shoes, only on weekends when he goes out.. and more often that not, it'll be with me. i want to give him something that he will use, that will remind him of me when we aren't together physically. (sounds kinky eh. hahaha.. but u all know what i mean ah)

but you know what. he just called me. and he said saturday nanti we go out, he ask if we can go queensway, dia nak beli kasut nike tu. apeeeer nie! asked farah how how how.. and she said i shd buy the shoes and surprise him with him.. but i dont think so la. kasut mcm a very funky gift gitu tak? nvm ah, he can beli the shoes himself.

and this saturday i got to go his bro's house, the one yg i went to last time, coz she just gave birth tu. this time round it's the cukur rambut ceremony thing... so she invited me, so i think kalau tak datang tak manis ah. i asked M if his aunts and all going to be there.. he said he doesn't think so, but all his siblings going to be there. so yeah. im scared, petrified, nervousied, worrified. but takper ah, at least i met his mom already, and i met his bro and sis in law already..

...funky how im only thinking about it now tapi dah sakit perut already...

i was doing my work tadi, then power 98 played some beyonce song.. terus teringat that day on saturday while i was driving home, that time kat tamps, with M beside kan.. sekali ada lagu Usher and Ludacris "Yeah" on radio tau.. then the last part of the song is my fave part tau, when Ludacris goes "take that. rewind it back. ludacris makes your booty go..." on the bridge. and the thing abt faves is that you tend to sing along kan? so i also pandai go and sing along ah, "take that.. rewind it back..." and this M was like, "eh u rap seh!!" i was so embarassed after that.. hahha.. then after that song, they played Beyonce's song.. tapi lupa the title pulak. and M was trying to rap during the Jay'Z part, and asked me to do the beyonce part... kelakar ah..

*laughs* cuteness eh.

(*suddenly feeling mcm glowy and happy like that.. hehe..*)


AQUARIUS
January 20 to February 18
You are noble and kind and dislike losing control over your emotions. It is very rare for you to get angry. You are also the pacifier in situations that involve arguments. It is always your endeavour to be perfect and socially correct in your behaviour and attitude, but if misunderstood and slighted you can give in to an angry outburst. You will shout and scream and then walk out from the scene. You cannot easily forget the situation and will be bitter about it for a long time.

PISCES
February 19 to March 20
The only thing that can be said about you dreamers is that you appear even more attractive when angry. You are very sensitive to others' feelings, so you rarely hurt them. But when others tend to hurt you, then things take a nasty turn. You will yell and use harsh words, and feel inclined to shake everything and everyone up. Your creative imagery is at its best when angry, and you tend to get pretty dramatic. When upset, you refuse to listen to reason and wish to be left alone. But once you calm down, you repent your tantrums and seek forgiveness. So nobody can be upset with you for too long.

very accurate i think. i seldom get angry, so that's true. in fact, i dont even remember the last time i got angry.. haha.. abt shouting and screaming.. hmm.. not sure if i do that. *laughs* about M, very true that he appears more attractive when angry. *laughs madly now* im not sure abt yelling and using harsh words, a bit true so far from what i see.. but i guess that's not his worst yet.. and ya when he's ok already, he'll apologise.. which melts me. hehehe...

did i mention before i love his voice? *grins*

now power 98 playing my ultra fave song... Guy Sebastian Angels brought me here or whatever tu... sooooo nice the song. I LIKE. if i want to be kental, i dedicate this song to M ok... hahahaha...

oks im bored. i feel for chocolate.

a case of funky coincidences. The wedding that my mother attended yesterday.. which is actually the wedding of abg ai'm's cousin, is actually the wedding of M's cousin also.. as in, the girl is M's cousin. the guy is abg ai'm's cousin. small world eh! im so funkified by that.

i found out when M asked me to call my mom to find out what block it is.. he said somehow he has a feeling that it's his cousin's wedding. so i tried to call my mom but her hp off, so i called abg ai'm instead. then pag said that the girl's name is Yannis or something.. so i asked M what's his cousin's naem.. and it's the same. funky punky eh. and all the description is the same, so it is his cousin married to abg ai'm's cousin.

funchee ah.

anyhoo. he's at the wedding now, while I'm at work waiting for docs to come in.

yesterday keluar dgn my b. i had to fetch him, pasal he's tired and his moto rosak and all. so we went to Queensway (he found this pair of shoes that he really liked a lot, tapi he say sayang mahal sangat. hmmmm.) and then we went to Ikea. all was good until the drive from Ikea to Beach Road.. coz we got lost and i was tired and so was he and kita pusing2, but still end up at the same place, at kallang. by then i was getting bingited already, i asked him for directions and he diam ajer, coz i guess he pon tak tahu but i took it as something bad, like he sengaja tak layan like that.

it would have just been another normal argument but at beach road, when I didn't know where to U-turn, sekali i asked him, and he just kept quiet. so i think i sort of raised my voice at him asked where. then this time he snapped at me seh. tak pernah2 dia buat mcm tu tau.. i was so upset and terkejut i tell you, terus terdiam. *eheheh* scary mary.

then dah gitu, dah park kereta and all, kena cari OCBC bank pulak.. coz his money in OCBC.. but kat beach road takder. so i told him use my money first... dia tak nak. kedegilan. tsk. so jalan punyer jalan, pon tak jumpa that atm thing. so we went to posb, use his bro's card pulak.

abis kan.. he was like walking ahead in front of me pasal he was still pissed off. but when we were queueing up for the atm, sekali got these thai guys go stand beside me. like.. i was leaning against a pillar, and M was queueing up. then these thais came to stand beside me. then M, dgn muka bingit2 like that, asked me to stand nearer to him. i asked why, he say nothing. so i just kept quiet. orang tengah marah, tak kan nak be irritating and ask so many questions kan... haha... later on baru dia bilang, he dont trust these people. etc. get what i mean? sweetness lah.

then he went to buy his stuff... lepas tu went to makan at the other beach road.. kat the madrassah there.

over there baru dia mcm ok lagi. started smiling and all that, being his usual self. tak faham sangat why until like that.. haha.. from then on, life became rosy again. i was happys. not that i wasn't happy before that, in fact when he was bingited at beach rd, i wasn't at all bingit. i wanted to ask him what's wrong tapi takut dia marah lagi.. hehe.. so diam all the way.

then after makan, we went home.. he sent me home, sampai simei at 10.. but we duduk dlm kereta talked til 11pm. naik atas also becoz mama was calling already. it was ultras fun. ultras sweet. i miss just sitting in the car talking to him.. and yesterday was fun. and he was soooo cute yesterday tau. wore his brown shirt, the one that he knows i like.. hehe.. and his normal jeans and brown shoes.. and he asked his nephew to buy him a cap kat TM.. and the one his nephew bought was funky punky sungguh, $49 pulak tu.. and he didn't pakai.. so he was walking around with his NS hair... cute sungguh.

something ultra sweet yesterday when we were on the way to Queensway. i dont want to post it up here pasal takut tak jadi, but Insya'Allah it will.. please please please make it happen. 16 more weeks. please please please. :) i just want to write it here coz i want to remember it happened on the 6th of march...

.... which is coincidentally my 3rd year anniversary pakai tudung. :) *pat on the back* Alhamdulillah.

im happys. so Alhamdulillah for that too.

why take so long to say 3 simple words that hold so much meaning they set the bar between satisfaction and regret?
got this from my friend's blog again.. (that 3 simple words is, of course, i love you)

.. i believe in saying sorry too. i dont like to think that my pride is getting in my way of happiness, therefore this always prompts me to apologise first if im at fault. (which, i have to admit, im always the one yg start merepeking nak gaduh. *sheepish grin*)

yesterday had an argument with him. and he hung up the phone on me. i was at fault la, i admit.. haha.. but still. cerita panjang to type here, but we got pissed off with each other big time yesterday and i was so angry with him seh. hehehe.. then i called him about 10 minutes later, terus he answered on the first ring. heheh, sweets eh.

he scolded me, tanya nak perangai lagi ke tak.. haha... then he apologised for hanging up on me :) i love this guy so much tau, hehe .

so all's kind of good la.. and we talked til 11pm.. and this morning he sms me good morning and many other sweet things so yeah im quite happys.

he's coming back at 11am today.. and we going out later in the afternoon, time depends on what time i finish work.. i could go back early and come very early tmrw to finish all up, but that wont be nice if my colleagues are all still in the office helping me finish up tmrw's vsls. so i shall finish up today, and go back latest by 3. coz i got to go home first.. im bringing the car out today. i dont feel like driving actually, tapi because he needs to go beach rd later nak kena beli so many things so i thought leceh to carry around kan, if bawak kereta, he can dump all inside. plus we going to Queensway too. and hopefuly he wants to watch Mystic River.. coz i really want to watch that show. i hope today will be good, takder arguments and bingitations and all that. quite impossible, we both get bingit *too* easily, but i hope all will be good Insya'Allah.

bought a skirt at city plaza yesterday, soooo pretty tau. mcm bohemian gitu. hahaha.. bohemian eh, mcm funky word like that. but i got to go do lining first, coz the lining inside sampai my knees ajer, then the rest of my leg can be seen.. funky kan. thought of going geylang later to do the lining.

forgot to mention. last night i had a weird dream. i dreamt i went to get a tattoo with farah and maria.. and i was the first one to go. (we weren't wearing tudung that time. baru balik from sekolah or something. i was wearing sleeveless in the dream.) so i had a tattoo of a tennis racket on my left arm and my school tkgs badge (which has a pic of a turtle on it) on my right. maria also had a tattoo of a tennis racket. farah didn't do it in the end. then i dreamt that the moment i had it, later i wanted to take it off.. and i cdn't. and i panic. and then i woke up to M's sms. that was at 7am. terus bangun, mandi and all. by 8 i was ready to go work already.

funky punky eh. of all the tattoo designs in the world, i had one of my school badge that has a turtle on it. maybe it has something to do with M calling me slow during our convo yesterday. haha...

am waiting for my mom to come pick me up. M got pissed off with me i think, out of jealousy or because he doesn't trust me. im not sure la... i was in the office, mcm mana nak tell the whole K story to him kan. then he sounded bingit. blah.

i miss him la.

Kmal (if we all still remember who he is? heh) called my hp last night. when i was on the line with my b.. i was very terkejut, i mean, kenapa tak pasal call after a few months senyap.. (ok i didn't really wonder that lah. afterall i was the one who told me not to call me anymore.. haha.. but i wondered what's up. dia nak kahwin ke aper ke?) then i answered. He asked me how i am and all.. and then i said i'll call him back coz i was on the line.. then got back to M, then he was asking who and all.. so i told him it's K who hasn't called for the past 4 mths or something. and M was like, go call him back.. kesian dia tunggu and all.. and he said bye. so i pon said bye. coz we always do this but we never actually hang up. but this time round, terus he hang up! which he doesn't do ever ok, unless he's upset.

... so i called him back and asked why. i dont want to seem prasan like that, but i think he was a teeny weeny bit jealous? or perhaps upset.. and he was alternating between asking me to call K and being all upset and all that. haha, mcm cute in a very funny way like that..

M did ask though sejak bila i know K.. how rapat am i to him.. is it a friendship only or what else.. all the questions i asked him abt that A--lla girl dulu.. hahaa.. then i told him i've never heard of a guy who urged his gf to go call another guy.. *shrugs*

anyhoo we hung up at 10.35, then i called K.. reluctantly i tell u. honestly. i didn't feel like talking to him but since i did promise to call him back so i called. and we were talking for a while, and i wasn't concentrating on the convo pasal i was watching Ryan & Trista's wedding on tv. and so K asked me to call when it's over. i said ok, hung up, watched tv. saw an sms from M. very sweet sms, which i dont think i want to post up here... but it gave him away.. as in, that was when i knew he wasn't happy abt me calling other guys, but he's trying to be nice and cool abt it but he's worried at the same time, and all that... sweetness la my b.

... and that was when i decided that im not going to be doing this anymore.. all this calling other guys up. i know people will disagree with me here, coz they'll say im still young and im not married yet and all that.. but what's the point of it all.. you're just tilting the happiness scale la. you're just jeopardising your own happiness.. you get what i mean. if u already know at the end of the day you want to be with someone, what's the point of having another guy (albeit just a friend) in the picture. as in, you dont need any other guy close friends around anymore coz you already have that special someone kan?

anyhoo. K called again after Trista/Ryan's wedding. he asked if i had a bf. i said yups. he was shocked, said how come and all that.. (coincidentally, M did ask me this question. he said if K asked what is it that M has that K doesn't have, what am i going to say. so i said my bf's perfect, he has many qualities that no other guys have. haha.. many things abt him makes him perfect to me.. and i love that abt him. *jiwang sikit* hahaha..)

i told k many things have happened since the last time we talked. told him that yes, dulu when i got together with A-, i did it partly because of what happened with K and somehow we just stuck together for a year. tapi this time i did it because i really like this guy a lot. (typo error somewhere. public blog, jgn jiwang sangat ah eh. *laughs*) told him that in this space of 3 to 4 mths kita tak berbual, i have did a bit of changing i think.

told him i have a car now (NOT said proudly ok) and he was shocked again by that. he never thought i would ever be able to sort myself out to be able to support myself and a car, what with my spending on shoes and sandals and bags and kl trips. and i told him im very happy with my life right now Alhamdulillah. and then after a few more updates on life, my mom came over, started saying that i might not realise it but M is probably upset that im talking to some other guy while he's at tekong. (and ya i do feel bad actually. i wasn't enjoying the convo with K at all seh. i wd so rather very much talk to my b. tsk.)

so i said to K we should hang up. and he said he doesn't think M will be ok if he calls again? so i said yups.. i think it's better if he doesn't call again coz im really trying to make things work out for me and M and im very happy already with my life.

and guess what he did. he hung up the phone on me after hearing that.

*shrugs*

tak faham sangat ah what's up with that. sungguh tak gentlemanly sangat kan. but u know what, i felt relieved after dah letak the phone.. unexplainable really, but i felt a strange sense of relief, and also upset with myself coz i think M wasn't happy, and yet proud of myself for doing what i did - telling him that i dont think he shd call anymore, as kental as it sounds... i dont really know the exact reason why M isn't calling any other girls up.. but I think it's bcoz he knows i get a bit jealous, and i want to be able to assure him that i will do the same, and stick to it.

so yeah.

anyhoos. M told me yesterday his sergeant is at it again. said in front of the whole entire platoon (do they call it platoon? while they are marching and all that or whatever? one platoon isit? or team? whatever ah they are called.) he said to them, if any of you ever see me outside with M's girlfriend, don't tell M. something like that?

i asked him what's up with the sergeant saying stuff like that.. kenapa dia tak kacau the other guys whose gfs came on that parents day? M pon tak tahu, and so i asked my mom.. i mean, what is it with the sergeant merepek mcm gitu. i dunno, I felt insulted. like im this gatal person who would go out with other guys and all that.. mcm im so easy gitu. *upset & angry* and my mom said the sergeant prolly saw me with Mus or whoever before this. so i said no, tak kan he recognise sampai gitu. but whatever it is, i hope the sergeant stops it. it's insulting, to me. a lot. very.muchly.annoyingly.horribly.teribbly. *upset*

one more day to seeing M! im happys. happys happys happys. im not going to the wedding, told him yesterday. so we just going to beach road and wherever else. might be driving, but not sure yet.

smlm drove aisya to tuition at pasir ris.. skali after sending aisya, at that changi intersection tu, the light was yellow already but the cab behind followed too closely so if i stop, mesti dia pon panic.. so i just went thru red light. lepas tu panic sendiri, takut belakang ada police ikut. hahaa.. stupid seh.

yesterday went to bugis to look at that tommy toiletries set.. but no salesgirl around to help, but i saw the body wash ajer is $30 for a small tube seh. and i really mean small. but i think that is the thing im getting for him. pakai tak pakai lah. either that or watch. perhaps i shd ask him to decide?

i don't want you to not be with me on my wedding day.
- got this from my friend's blog..

i thought it was sweet, if you look at it in a sentimental sort of way.

2 more days to seeing M. i can't wait at all..

M lost his voice again. funky kan.. he's losing his voice everyweek or something.. and his batt is flat, so we were talking for abt 2 min on his hp before kena cut off, and he did say that he malas to use the public phone coz he has to change first and all. sekali when kena cut off by flat batt at 9.50, i thought he wdn't call back... sekali at 10.05 he called back using the public phone. changed his clothes and all semua. sweetness :) and we talked for 5 minutes.. and then hung up. then somehow he managed to get an extra batt from his friend, so he called again at 10.20 and we talked til 10.45...

im happys.

did i mention it's only 2 more days to saturday?

i bought sandals just now at bugis. $29, marie claire. its more like slippers actually. cdn't find any nice brown skirts that fit me (there was one, tapi so hip hugging... made me look damns curvy *laughs*)

7 more minutes to going home. this sunday kena kerja la... M kena masuk camp at 10, so by 8pm he has to go. i think so lah.. and if i dont go JB, then i guess i'll be dinnering with him? but the thing is my dad wont be going on sunday so if i dont go, then kesian just my mom and 2 sisters... so i guess i'll go if i finish early.

oooh la mer!
today i'm 21 years and 1 month old. which means dah one month I and M together. ya, baru sebulan ajer.. hahaha..

ok i just checked my hp and there was this missed call - which apparently happened at 2320hrs last night, but somehow i only noticed this morning.. and yesterday at 2320 the phone was right next to me, so how come i didn't hear?? i called back, and it was this malay guy who said he probably dialled the wrong no. i was hoping it wd be M, coz smlm he called but his batt was weak and our convo got cut off in the middle.. but if it's M's friend's hp, tak kan on sekarang coz wdn't they be training instead?

but anyhoo. let's not worry abt such a small thing.

smlm, another funky news. M told me his mom asked him to ajak me to his cousin's wedding this saturday.. i'm funkified big time man. isn't it a bit too early? i mean, his siblings going to be there is one thing.. but his makciks and pakciks and cousins sekali? woohoo, that's a huge deal for me. but how to tell him that I'm not ready for all this? I've never been a very..erm... u know, that kind of person to meet families and be friendly and all that? I think im more of a recluse.. *laughs madly*

can't wait for saturday. 3 more days.

"I want my daughters to be beautiful, accomplished, and good. To be admired, loved, and respected. To have a happy youth, to be well and wisely married, and to lead useful, pleasant lives, with as little care and sorrow to try them as God sees fit to send. To be loved and chosen by a good man is the best and sweetest thing which can happen to a woman, and I sincerely hope my girls may know this beautiful experience. It is natural to think of it, Meg, right to hope and wait for it, and wise to prepare for it, so that when the happy time comes, you may feel ready for the duties and worthy of the joy. My dear girls, I am ambitious for you, but not to have you make a dash in the world, marry rich men merely because they are rich, or have splendid houses, which are not homes because love is wanting. Money is a needful and precious thing, and when well used, a noble thing, but I never want you to think it is the first or only prize to strive for. I'd rather see you poor men's wives, if you were happy, beloved, contented, than queens on thrones, without self-respect and peace.
- Mrs March to Meg in Little Women. (the paragraph above, to me, is the sweetest thing i've ever read.)

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, but falling in love with you was completely out of my control.
(found this on one of the blogs that I read just now..)

First Name
If i post it up, and then anyone types it out on yahoo, nanti keluar my name kan. and i dont want anyone unwanted to read this journal. so those who knows my name knows la ;)

Were you named after anyone?
no i dont think so.. Supposed to be Idariani. i guess inspiration for my name is from that name.. parents wanted something with Ida inside it.

Do you wish on stars?
no i dont.

Do you like your handwriting?
yes.. altho M thinks it's like cakar ayam(spelling of cakar correct?)

Any bad habits?
i find it hard to be punctual. i tend to mumble and just rattle off sometimes.. i like to shake my leg, u know the way i do it? that fast-paced shaking thing that Nenek always marah me abt..

If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
of course. :)

have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell?
erm.. i dont think so. no.

Do looks matter?
not really... as long as you're decently dressed and all that, im ok.

Have you ever misused a word and sounded absolutely stupid?
yups. but can't remember what word it was, but farah and maria were laughing like mad. was it boogie? humbleness? many of those. haha...

Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?
no.

Do fishes have feelings?
only the ones in Finding Nemo. i actually had this thought, when they said that Finding Nemo won best animated film last night, that Dory and Marlin would be so happy their film won the Oscars..

Are you trendy?
honestly, no.. i think i dress more for comfort.

How do you release anger?
entah... i just know i get really quiet when im angry. i think so ah..

Where are your second homes?
my office at tg pagar.

What was your favourite toy as a child?
Barbie Dolls! lurrrved playing them so much. sampai jahit baju and all for them. kecik2 dah jadi tailor u, jgn main-main.

What class in school do you think is totally useless?
Science.. haha.. coz I was never good at it. and CME, coz its basic morals that's already inbued in people. not something u can teach i think...

Have you ever been on radio or television?
Radio ajer.. itupon pasal Pag & Falee did that birthday thingy, where the DJ wd call the b'day person up and play a prank on her.. and I was told by denise power 98 that they found my IC at some NTUC somewhere. but clever me, i didn't believe.

Do you keep a journal?
yes. one online, and one offline. as in, book journal.

Do you use sarcasm alot?
erm.. only with certain people.

Have you ever been in a mosh pit?
no. i've never been the kind of person who likes that kind of stuff.. hahaa... stuffy eh.

What do you look for in a guy/girl?
*shrugs*

What is your favourite smell?
the smell u find in books.. hehe.. M's smell.. hahaha.. he smells really nice.. :)

What are your nicknames?
been called toshiba coz it sounds like my name, Noshi by my aunts, Falee calls me Shid sometimes.

Would you bungee?
entah... with tudung??

Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
no.

What are you worried about right now?
right now, nothing.

Do you think that you are strong?
yes. sometimes lah.. certain events has certainly made me much stronger.. hehe..

What is your favourite ice cream flavour?
boring Vanilla :)

What are your favourite colours?
White, orange.

What is your least favourite thing in the world?
the times when I start becoming paranoid and not know that it's just paranoia.. the times when I feel helpless and also dirty toilets.

How many wisdom teeth do you have?
entah. none probably... haha... i dont even know if they are there.

Are you in love with anybody right now?
-yes. ;)

****

below are questions that you supposed to discuss with your partner.. I signed up for the emails, you get 33 questions out a 1000 questions that you can find in this book by Michael Webb Apparently it can be a relationship saver or breaker... happy answering.

On a more personal note, I don't think it's just for discussion with your partners. I would answer them myself on this blog sometime soon when I'm free... (in fact, i posted up some of my answers beside it below.)

****

How do you feel about friends, relatives or people in need living in your house for a year?

Do you think it is risky or unhealthy for your mate to have a best friend of the opposite sex?
(yes.. why do u need a best fren of the opposite sex anyway? your partner shd be your bestest friend aper..)

Do you find it very difficult to say "no" to your mom or dad when they want you to do something you would prefer not to?
(ya...)

If you had to pick a different city to live in with your sweetheart and proximity to family and friends didn't matter, which city would it be?

If you had to take a paid sabbatical and couldn't work for an entire year, what would you most like to do?
(travel around the world with the loved one.)

If someone wanted to give you a $50 gift certificate to use on yourself, which store/theatre/spa would you tell him or her you wanted.

If you and your spouse had two cars, one much nicer than the other, who do you think should drive the newer vehicle? Would it make any difference if only one of you worked?
I would want the spouse to use the newer one, esp if he's the one paying for the cars lor.. or perhaps boleh tukar2, alternate weeks. unless one of them is a Jag, then i would drive the Jag at all times. Org lain semua takder chance at all. haha..)

What feeling do you have the most difficulty expressing?
(I've been thinking abt this question since last week. still dunno the answer.) i think issues that im unhappy with abt the other person, i wdn't know how to tell him? i think so ah... im not sure.

Is there anything you feel you must accomplish before you die? What steps do you need to take to achieve these goals?

Which family members should we buy birthday or special holidays gifts for (parents, siblings, aunts/uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc.)?

Is there anyone you would be willing to die for?

If your dear friends wanted you to donate sperm or eggs because they were infertile, would you do so? How would you feel about your mate doing so? What about donating them for a couple that would remain anonymous?

Do you believe there is one right person for you out there in the world or that there can be many different potential mates that you could live blissfully with?

If you suddenly became blind, how would your idea of the perfect mate change?

Are you currently comfortable with your body? If not, what would you change to make you comfortable?
(my butt is a bit big i think. other than that i love my body, Alhamdulillah good enough im healthy and all. perhaps if i can be a bit taller, that be good too, coz M is tall.. but i think our height diff makes us look cute together agaknya. *laughs*)

What do you think are your optimum hours of sleep to be fully energized?
(more than 12 hours... hahahah)

If you could plan any vacation for us, where would it be?

If you could live one year of your life all over again without changing a thing, what year would you choose? Why?

Do you prefer receiving expensive gifts or ones that come from the heart?

What first attracted you to me? How has that one attraction changed since then?
(M's smile... when he smiles, his whole face lights up, his eyes crinkle up and he just looks the cutest then)

What five things have you done in your life that you are most proud of?

If your partner had an affair, how would you react? Could you forgive him or her?

Over the last five years how do you think you have changed for the worse? Better?

On which topics do you feel qualified at giving advice?

Do you think you would prefer a calm, loving, consistent marriage or one that was full of excitement, wild times and rocky patches?

What makes you feel secure and safe?

Which do you think should have the final say in decisions - logic or emotions? Why?

Is it ever appropriate for someone to express anger in a physical way? If so, when and how?
(it's never appropriate)

If a fire destroyed your home and all of your belongings, what would you do? If you could take out three things before the blaze, what would they be? (Assuming there is no one in the house at the time of the fire.)

When you are sick and feeling poorly, do you like to be alone or do you like to be pampered and have someone close to your side most of the time?
(be pampered i think... :)

What rituals could be added to our relationship on a daily, weekly, monthly and yearly basis that would help us to remain close?

Do you need to hear "I love you" or similar words on a regular basis from your partner?
(it'll be nice to... *smiles*)

weekend went very fine, Alhamdulillah :) His mom is really nice and friendly. something like my mom, i think.. coz my mom seems fierce to my friends, but they know she's really mad and friendly too. (that was how shaz dulu described my mom.. haha)

anyhoo.. i was supposed to meet her at 1.45pm.. but thanks to aisya and my need for an ATM machine, terus lambat. aisya wanted me to send her to the mrt station coz she went out to meet her friends, and i needed her to withdraw money for me first so i dont have to park the car and run to the ATM machine and all, u know? then the usual simei one somehow cannot dispense cash, and then the eastpt one had an ultralong queue, and so we had to go all the way to tampines punyer, at afghan there. by then dah 1.40 and i was screaming at all the cars to hurry up already.. hahaa.. then lepas tu, still had to hantar aisya to the simei mrt station.. leceh sungguh. by the time sampai M's place, dah 1.55 like that... and his mom was already in his bro's cab.. and very funnily kan, i never seen his mom before kan, so i didn't know it was her.. but the bro look exactly like M seh.. seriously sama, just an older version ajer. funky tau. so anyways then i realised we aren't taking my car to pasir ris.. instead naik cab abang dia (who was very nice too :)

.. so i parked my car, and very cleverly, I left my hp inside the car. or rather, my dad's hp which i was supposed to pass to M for him to use at tekong.. pandai kan. i only realised when I was at pasir ris interchange nak sms M.. blah.

anyhoo. travelling to tekong took one hell of a long time seh. i only reached tekong at 3.15.. lambat kan. nasib baik the visiting time was extended to 5.30pm. had to take bus from pasir ris, where they did the invitation checks, then sampai changi, check particulars and our bags pulak, then naik the ferry.. lecehfying seh. i didn't really talk much to M's mom along the way.. basically she asked questions, and i answered *nervous*. stuff abt where i work, tinggal mana, block mana, whether my mom is ok with me going to tekong with her, whether i was from springf*eld - i told her no, i kenal M from primary school. hehehe..

so anyways. kita sampai tekong kan, and i saw these guys wearing army uniform standing at the jetty's end. so anyways, i was like, woah funky.. ada orang tunggu2 semua.. haha... then i realise it was the NS guys we were supposed to meet.. haha...

sekali kan... so sweetly, when i was walking looking over at that jetty and sekali ternampak my b in his army uniform and looking so gorgeous.. sooo cute tau!!

then he salam his mother, hug and all tau, so sweet kan! then he look at me, and smiled. how are you?, he asked. yeah im good. u? yeah me too. smiled some more.. hehehe.. mcm malu2 like that coz the mom was there :) then we walked towards this bldg, but his mom was talking to him so i cdn't talk at all tau. poor me.. haha.. actually for the rest of the day, we didn't talk a lot, just a lot of smiles here and there :)

anyhoo, the rest of the time there was ok-ok lah. he still looks so damns cute - did i mention before i love guys in army uniform? there's just something so gorgeous abt it. and here my B wearing the army uniform, cute sungguh seh. altho botak, very funky... but still the cute factor is there. very there, in fact.. hehe...

have to mention here - M told his bunkmates kita been together since primary 6.. hahaha.. pasal that's when we met kan, in primary 6 all those childish crushes started. (have i told my pri 6 stories here? rasa belum eh.. nanti i shall tell when/if i semangat to type out.) and u know what, his bunkmates (and sergeant also) semua percaya.. hahaha.. klakar kan.

i think M looks the most gorgeoustest amongst all of them.. hehe.. and I saw the pic of us together at his mirror.. haha.. cute sungguh.

he passed me his atm cards to pay his hp bills. *worried*
i always teringat farah telling me that financial matters should be shared only after marriage.. entah kenapa. but heck cares. i think it's better it's all out and i learn how he handles money and all now. right?

anyhoo... at 5.15 we went back already.. pasal at 5.30 he has to assemble at the field or something ah. he hug & salam his mom again.. but i didn't say bye to him. emo tau, i cdn't look at him salam his mom.. something like my mother lah, tengok orang farewell-farewell gitu, make me cry.. haha... so i had to look away, bite lips and all u know? i already said im very emotional when it comes to these sort of things.. stupid ah. and he just said nanti i call u tonight.

... haha, emo tak kena tempat :D

M told his mom bila we were at the canteen place, that i can't cook. *bingited sikit* malu kan. then the mom was like, "alah.. apa yg tak tahu. masak kan senang." and a lot of stupid banter all coming from M. and he had to ask his mom kenapa tak naik my kereta. he asked her if she was scared of my driving.. hahaha... then he told his mother abt my parking ajer dah 2 jam *embarassed laugh* and all that la. she's sweet, very quiet lady.

At night he called, we talked for half an hour.. then he went to sleep. i went to read papers.

i dunno if this makes sense, but apparently M feels the same way too.. haha. I felt like I miss him more after meeting him. bila last night kan, or even time baru naik ferry nak balik tu, i felt like perhaps it's better kalau tak jumpa semalam. Pasal bila dah jumpa, terus mcm the feeling is more..erm.. pronounced like that. It's like, 2 weeks I didn't see him, I get used to not seeing him, but after we met smlm, then I feel like I miss him more... does that make sense? no actually if it doesn't, takper. pasal at least M feels the same way too, so at least I know im not weird.. haha. but it's not like I regret jumpa dia ke aper.. it's always good to see him, hehe.. cuma sekarang mcm lebih rindu. hahahaa... but hopefully he's coming back this weekend, on saturday.

then his bro fetched us at pasir ris again, then bila dah sampai M's place, his mom ajak naik atas.. i said I will when M dah balik nanti.. hehe... his mom's nice la.

so.. Alhamdulillah all went well yesterday. *huge sigh of relief*

his physical fitness test is in 2 weeks time or something like that.. kalau dia pass, then he doesn't have to go tekong for 2 weeks. i think it's the 15th march week. hopefully he can pass lor... he did his 2.4 on thursday, and he came in first seh. sungguh proud of him.. hehe.. told my mom and my mom said it must be the long legs. :) apparently he can do all those, but he can't do those pull-ups la.. still 5 when he needs to do 6. Insya'Allah dia boleh buat la.. hopefully. he was showing off his muscles to me yesterday.. haha.. so cute. (yes i should stop saying that he's cute every 3 seconds eh.)

oh btw, he's not darker. just redder.. :)

my mom's really sweet abt M.. and so is my dad tau. it's really surprising for me. seriously. i didn't expect them to really be nice and sweet to him, about him, etc.. u know? the hp thing, my dad boleh marah me somemore bila i said i forgot to pass it to him.. he said kesian si M and all... he even asked questions abt me seeing M semalam. very surprising.. but I'm glad :) my mom has always been sweet abt M.. i dunno if it's just my imagination, but i feel as if she's much sweeter this time round... if u know what i mean. haha. i think so lah, i seriously do. :)

oh.. and smlm bila talking on the phone.. i told M that i know it's pathetic, but i always have this countdown sendiri in the morning, lagi berapa hari dapat jumpa dia.. "ok, 4 more days to see M." so on, and so forth. and guess what. M does it too!! sweet kan... haha.. i was so grinning happily when he told me that he does it too... hahaa.. i love all these small facts abt him that i get to know over time, it makes me so happy seh.. hehehe..

so yeah, im happy. i still feel so blessed and like, i want to bottle up this feelings forever.. *smiles happily*

... oh, and thanks to all those who SMS me good luck and such words of encouragement.. and bijal's "good luck" at chai chee the other day.. hehehe... thank you thank you thank you. you all be glad to know that things went well, Alhamdulillah ;)

can't wait til saturday to see him again *smiles*